


Dance Pretty Dance

by Cynical_Hypocrite_TotalDevotion7



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack, IDGAF, Modern Girl in Thedas, Multi, OP OC, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, i am a god, this is a powertrip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 01:42:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6403558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cynical_Hypocrite_TotalDevotion7/pseuds/Cynical_Hypocrite_TotalDevotion7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I may or may not have been drunk while writing this but whatever here ya go. I just wanna be an almighty, all powerful being that interacts with everyone, is that too much to ask?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where the Fuck am I

I really fucking hate camping.

 

Especially since the rest of my family always decides to go when it’s cold, wet, and utterly miserable.

 

Do I want to set up a tent while it’s snowing? No.

 

Do I want to try to fall asleep in said tent with the wind shrieking loudly outside and blowing the tent willy nilly and while still being able to see my own breath? Uh, hell no.

 

Do I want to go hiking over the snow, while the wind continues to throw a temper tantrum while my hood ineffectually dissuades it and instead puffs up and turns into a goddamn funnel straight down my back? Get me on the Nope Train to Nopetown, I want none of that.

 

Yet here I am, in the ass end of nowhere, cold, wet, and utterly miserable.

 

Cause they wanted to see some goddamn _ice caves._

 

Sounds cool, right? And they totally are. But what they aren’t is warm. And me, being the summer baby I am, do not like that. Get me back home, back to my laptop, back where I can get some freaking reception, because if we’re stranded here for more than a day, I’m gonna miss out on my daily prizes, and I’ve been playing that stupid puzzle game for over 100 days, goddammit, and I am not going to suddenly forget to at least log in today of all days cause my family wanted to see some freaking _ice caves._ They’re awesome, we get it. Can we go back now?

 

No, apparently not. Apparently, my batshit crazy family decided they want to camp in the fucking ice caves, spend the night here, where it’s gonna be basically impossible to get any sleep because of how cold it is. And whoop-dee-doo, would ya look at that folks? A storm! A goddamn snowstorm. Fucking great.

 

We went deeper into the caves to get away from the wind, duh, and the rest of my family being the hardcore glampers they are, decided, hey, let’s set up our tent next to this pretty ice lake in the ice cave! Great idea, guys. I want my wifi.

 

And isn’t it just my luck, as I struggled to fall asleep, basically a frozen burrito that you took out of the freezer only to put it into the fridge (like, who does that? But hey, no judgment zone here. Too cold to judge.), that I decided, _hey,_

_Let’s go for a walk._

_Brilliant idea, dumbass._

Still freezing my ass off, the rest of my family snoring too loudly for me to even hear myself think, I get out of the tent to go for a walk, cause, y’know, _why the fuck not?_

So I decide to walk around the pretty frozen lake, see? And I notice a little tunnel that I hadn’t seen from the tent. What the hell, let’s go down to funky town cause I’m too cold to give a damn. And I get to this really neat little bubble cave, round with this huge ass chunk of ice in the very middle of the room, and there’s a super tall ceiling with a hole through which I can see the mega blizzard going on outside, but it doesn’t seem to be coming into the room, which weird, but, y’know, whatever.

 

Then I hear the thunder. Let me tell you, I fucking hate thunder. It is the bane of my existence and I do not like it in the slightest. But I fucking love lightning. Lightning all day, every day. So I wait for the lightning. And I get it. _And shit hits the fan real quick._

First off, the lightning comes in through the hole in the goddamn ceiling and strikes the big ass slab of ice that’s just sitting in the middle of the chamber, and the fucking thing starts glowing. _Glowing._

_What the actual fuck._

So me, being me, decides _holy fuck, what the hell, get me out of here,_ and I start to turn around to get the hell out of dodge. But remember, the room’s spherical. And what happens when you lose your footing and fall on your ass in a spherical room made of ice?

 

_You start sliding to the middle, where the giant slab of glowing death ice is._

I am not ashamed to say I screamed a little. It is scary when you have no control over where you’re going. But then, I really didn’t have much control in the first place, but whatever. Irrelevant right now.

 

So I slide down to the glowing ice screaming my head off, and the thunder starts up and _shakes the fucking room,_ and I scream some more, cause hey, what else can I do?

 

Then lightning strikes the glowy death ice _again_ (seriously, _what the fuck_ ) and it glows brighter, and now, I’m basically careening to my death towards this fucking thing, and as I’m almost close enough to touch it (or more likely brain myself on it), Mother Nature decides to shit on me even more and makes the thunder shake the room, _again._

And guess what happens?

 

I find myself sliding _into_ the glowy ice slab of death, sliding my way through some hellscape of green fog, and out into another goddamn cave, which was similar in shape, but none of the ice.

 

Instead, _this_ cave was a little lake, and I had to swim up and cling to the glowy crystal of death before my clothes dragged me back under. So yeah, I’m kinda freaking out, but, y’know, whatever. I see that there's a little ledge on the other side of the room and I swim over to it. It takes a little time for me to haul my fat ass up because I have skinny noodle arms and I can’t do push-ups for shit, but eventually I get there, soaked through, only kinda cold, and worn out. Course, the next step was to get the fuck outta dodge and get out of the fucking cave, right?

 

Well, this cave’s basically fucking built the exact goddamn same as the ice caves, only minus the ice. So I make my way out and where do I find myself? A fucking corridor, with candles and shit. Only the candles are burning blue and that clues me in on the fact that I really have no idea where the fuck I am.

 

So I go down the corridor, and it gets warmer and I starts to dry off, which is great. Then, just when I feel like I’m gonna pass the fuck out and just go to sleep right there on the floor, I see a door. Which is great, really, and the first thing I’ve seen in a while that’s different from everything else. So the next logical thing to do is open the door and get out of the creepy corridor.

 

So I do.

 

And I find myself in the goddamn _Black Emporium._

_Fucking_

_Great._


	2. Chauncey And WrinkleMcFuckface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know where this is going but apparently it's happening.

So.

 

Thedas.

 

Wonderful.

 

It becomes harder to breathe as my heart starts to race. Fucking Thedas?!?!?

 

This can't be real, right?

 

I can't seem to calm down and think logically about this. My heart won't stop racing and I fall to my hands and knees as I try to calm down my breathing.

 

Which takes...a while. I'm not sure how long, considering I don't have my phone and I don't see a clock anywhere.

 

After having a panic attack right in front of Wrinkle McFuckface, logic stepped in and told me to stop being a fucking pussy. Thanks a bunch, logic.

 

Logic tells me I'm dead, unconscious, or hallucinating.

 

So no big whoop.

 

I'm just pissed there's no Wi-Fi.

 

Aaand I don't have my meds. Which means I'm gonna be a fucking mess, considering that whatever is happening right now doesn't stop my mental health issues.

 

Plus my glasses. So everything’s just gonna be a blurry mess.

 

So.

 

This is gonna be great.

 

I look around--I mean, I've been here before (probably waaaaay too much, considering how much time I sunk into character creation), but that was when the only view I could get of it was through a computer screen. Yeah you heard me.

 

PC Master Race bitches.

 

Too bad there weren't any tutu mods.

 

Oh well.

 

I’m here now.

 

Gotta deal with it.

 

So anyways, judging by my look around, I can see that this is the Black Emporium from Inquisition, meaning the choices are super simplified and money is weirdly just gold now.

 

I tune out Wrinkle McFuckface—I know his name is Xenon but it’s not really top of my priorities right now—and go over to my favorite corner of the Emporium—The Mirror of Transformation.

 

Basically, where I get my freak on and try to either make characters that look like real people in my life or make them as hot as possible.

 

…kinda wonder which one of my Inquisitors I’m gonna get.

 

Hope it’s not my bearded lady dwarf.

 

I mean, she’s cool and all, but I hope it’s one of my hotties.

 

Anyway.

 

There’s a polar bear trying to climb my leg.

 

Like holy fuck Chauncey you’re the cutest little thing but I’m trying not to panic and now I’m also trying not to squee.

 

Too late.

 

My exclamation apparently got his attention and as I leaned down to pet him, I made sure he smelled me first. _Please don’t bite me._ He sniffs my hand…

 

And he doesn’t bite me!

 

Success!

 

I pet the lil cutie, cooing and cuddling him because he is just too precious, oh my god, before remembering what I was gonna do.

 

Right.

 

The mirror.

 

I pick Chauncey up (holy fuck, he’s just so cute) and I carry this coarse little ball of wonder over to the mirror.

 

And just about drop him.

 

Cause while I can Chauncey and my clothes, I can’t see myself.


	3. What the Fuck is Happening?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just have to thank alluthebird for giving me the motivation to pick this back up again, cause her little analysis of this particular trope actually prompted me to start this fic.

So.

Unconscious invisibility.

That’s new.

I’m totally not gonna freak out about this.  


Too late.  


My vision gets a little blurrier as I drop to my knees, my grip on Chauncey loosening as I frantically try to breathe.  


Chauncey, apparently having been charmed by my ability to stop functioning, butts my chin with his head, and by god, it actually helps me calm down.  


I shakily stand back up, taking off my coat because it feels like its getting warmer in here and it was still pretty wet. I turn back to the mirror, and yep, still invisible.  


But.  


Wait a minute.  


I look down at my hands and hey! I have hands! I can see them!  


What the fuck is going on???  


A couple of deep breaths later, and I look back up at the mirror.  


It looks exactly like it does in the game—metallic, kinda warped, surrounded by red and white candles, with two smaller mirrors on each side.  


I guess I’ll touch it? Cause YOLO, right?  


And lo and behold, whose face do I see reflected?  


Saar.  


My beloved Qunari Inquisitor.  


Well.  


I pull my hand away and look at it.  


Pasty, unevenly bitten nails, a few small scars from a childhood accident.  


I put my hand back on the mirror.  


There he be. My boi.  


And then I notice that the background isn’t all smoky and shit. I can see that he’s sitting on…some kind of throne?  


The…inquisition throne?  


As I squint to try and see better, the image zooms out and god, I forgot how butt ugly that throne was.  


So, it looks like my baby has already made it to Skyhold. That gives me absolutely no reference for how long he’s been there, nor at what point in the timeline I’ve been tossed to. Probably somewhere in Act 2, if I am to guess.  


Well.  


Guess I gotta face the music.  


Gotta head out to Skyhold.  


Skyhold.  


A fortress on the Frostback mountains near the Dales.  


The Black Emporium.  


A shop on the northern tip of Ferelden or very close to Kirkwall, depending on your map.  


A veritable hike that I would inevitably die on.  


Closing my eyes, I visualize the map of Thedas I studied in the game.  


Huh. That’s odd. I didn’t think my memory was that good to bring up such a detailed picture.  


And, for some reason, there are icons exactly like in the game?  


Even weirder.  


Well, I’ve already got a set destination.  


I focus on the small icon that indicates where Skyhold is  


And my vision abruptly goes black.


End file.
